At the tavern: Dumbest ways to die, Camelot edition
by Linnea.E
Summary: Everybody is drinking till they can't stand straight and Arthur and Gwaine gets the best idea ever. Merlin does not think so. Infact, it might be the worst idea ever. He hates his job, and nothing getts better when Mordred shows up. Very much Crack!fic, read and enjoy :)


**Hello readers :) **

**One of my friends tipped me about this song on youtube called "Dumb ways to die" and I am now so hooked up on it. So rewrote it to Merlin-ish text :P Anyway, this ir just crack and if anyone want to see just the lyrics I have posted just that one too. **

**Here you can find the original song: watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw**

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own Merlin or Dumb ways to die, if you thought i did ;)**

* * *

**At the tavern; Dumbest ways to die, Camelot edition**

They were all off to celebrate in the tavern. Nobody knew exactly what it was they were celebrating, but it didn't really matter. The king was paying and everybody was drinking. A lot. Even Gaius was there. And all the knights, the king, the queen, and the kings manservant. But of course Merlin wasn't drinking, he never was by some weird reason.

"Aren't you going to have an ale, Merlin?" Gwaine asked drunkenly, sitting down by the side of the younger man.

"Isn't it really enough that you, all the other knights and Arthur are drunk? I think even Gwen has been drinking a little too much" Merlin said, looking in concern at the corner where the king and the queen was snogging. "Somebody needs to take care of you in the morning" He continued, looking at Gaius and Sir Leon and Percival standing and dancing on the tables while the angry bar girl tried to make them get down, shouting something about ruining the tables.

Gwaine looked disappointed.

"C'mon mate, just one drink"

"No!"

"Ah, but c'mon!"

"No Gwaine, and don't be so close, you stink!" Gwaine had been leaning closer to Merlin and now he had the man's awful breath in his face.

"Hey Princess!" Gwaine shouted through the cacophony of voices, his breath still in Merlins face. Merlin tried to lean away. "Come over here and tell your manservant to stop being such a girl and start to drink!" Gwaine continued. Merlin sighted when a very, very drunk Arthur come walking almost straight towards them, looking like he was going to trip over his own feet at any moment.

"You…you know…" Arthur shuddered "You know there are sho…sho many waysh to die Merlin. Sho…many…somebody should make a shong about it"

"Yeah! What a good idea. Everybody likes songs about how to die!" Gwaine shouted enthusiastic. Merlin just face palmed. Why had he to be the only sane and not drunk person in the whole bloody city? But Gwaine had jumped on to the bar desk and suddenly the whole tavern was quiet.

"Hrrhmm…I am now going to sing a song about the best Camelot ways to die" Gwaine stated and the whole taverns started to cheer. Merlin face palmed again, he really was the only sane person in this city. Gwaine started to sing:

_Drink ale till you can't walk up the hill_

_And then don't have the money to pay the bill _

"Yeah, that sounds like you Gwaine", and "Way to go, Gwaine" came from the other knights as Gwaine continued:

_Protect two strangers in a fight _

_And then save their lives and become a knight _

"That was me and Merlin" Merlin heard Arthur shudder to one of the other knights. Gwaine was now on the refrain, and to Merlins fright others was starting to sing to:

_The Camelot way to die_

_The Camelot way to die_

_Camelot way to die-ie-ie _

_The Camelot way to die_

The people quieted as the first refrain was over.

"I´m so not going to sing the other verse!" Gwaine stated. "It's Merlins turn!"

"What? No! I'm _not_ going to sing!" Merlin shouted, looking terrified, and in the chaos that followed where everyone at once tried to convince Merlin to sing nobody noticed the young stranger with the dark hair and the blue eyes that had come in to the tavern. Nobody noticed when his eyes flashed gold for a moment either. Suddenly Merlin felt the urge to sing the stupid song, and as much as he tried to resist, he couldn't. He did the only thing he could and started to sing, to everyone else's joy and his own horror:

_Tell my secret to the king_

After the first verse said king shouted "What the hell are you talking about?" But Merlin just kept on singing, simply because it was impossible to stop:

_Standing here and about my secret sing_

_Tripping over a root and fall _

"Yeah, that sounds more like Merlin!" Leon shouted, "His secret is that he cross-dresses" Gwen whispered to her husband, "Yaaaay, Merlin is singing" was Gwaines comment (some of the people looked weird at him, but then shrugged, it was Gwaine after all)

_Then smash my head into a wall _

Everybody laughed because it was so true that Merlin actually could do that, and once again nobody noticed what the stranger was doing, now he was smirking evilly as everybody else started to sing;

_The Camelot way to die_

_The Camelot way to die_

_Camelot way to die-ie-ie _

_The Camelot way to die_

Arthur didn't need any encouragement and immediately jumped up at the bar desk and started to sing:

_Killing Mordreds psycho-girlfriend _

The stranger made a sad face, just for a moment, and then thought how incredibly oblivious everybody was, and Arthur continued to sing;

_Walking in to a maze with really no end_

Merlin sighted, who was it that had had to run after the idiot into the maze?

_Trying to kill the dragon on the spot_

_Pissing of every sorcerer in Camelot_

Merlin face palmed again, and wondered how many more brain cells he was going to kill this evening, but then, no matter how many he killed he would still be smarter than all the idiots together in this pit, and he regretted ever coming here. Even Gaius sang on the refrain, and Gaius _Never_ sang.

_The Camelot way to die_

_The Camelot way to die_

_Camelot way to die-ie-ie _

_The Camelot way to die_

And now the queen started to sing. Splendid! Merlin thought sarcastically. But everyone else started to cheer.

_Gwen: _

_Get turned into a deer_

_Almost gets shot by a bow, to my fear _

_Trying to kill my man_

_Turn evil and become Morganas fan_

Nobody commented Gwens verse, but sung for all what they were worth in the refrain. It was not beautiful. The stranger smirked, he loved everything that tortured Emrys, and he could see that Emrys definitely hated this more than being in Morganas dungeon.

_The Camelot way to die_

_The Camelot way to die_

_Camelot way to die-ie-ie _

_The Camelot way to die_

And now to the worst thing of all time in Merlins worst nightmare; A drunken Gaius, dancing on the table and singing about different things that will make you die. Life is sometimes cruel.

_Gaius: _

_Admitting sorcery to protect my boy_

_Using different poisons like they are toys_

Merlin face palmed for the fifty eleventh time that night. All the others were cheering and shouting different things that Merlin couldn't quite hear. Gaius continued:

_Trying to defeat an army of undead _

He sang as he looked at Arthur and the knights that looked ashamed for some reason, even though they had just tried to protect Camelot, Merlin wanted to face palm but didn't want to rue any more of his brain cells. He needed them around these idiots. And the next thing Gaius sang made Merlin look to the floor and blush. Good nobody looked at him. Arthur and Gwen were back in the snogging corner, Gwaine had passed out and Leon was by some weird reason crying at the table. Percival was polishing Arthurs his sword with pickled eggs (Merlin had no idea why the big knight had Excalibur).

_Releasing an angry dragon from his prison _

_Getting a bit of a sworn into your chest_

"Wait…a minush!" Arthur shouted and Gaius stopped his singing. Merlin thanked every god he knew.

"Nobody hash ever died from a piece of a shord into their…their…their…" Arthur trailed off.

"Their chest" Gaius filled in.

"Eggsagtly" Arthur said and looked like he was going to pass out. The stranger stepped forward.

"Not yet, sire, not yet" Mordred said with an evil smirk.

"Can everybody see the future now or what?!" Merlin shouted frustrated, this was just too much! Now Mordred was here to. Woho (not!).

"Mordred!" Arthur shouted, "Knights kill him!" He didn't get much of an answer. Gwaine was still lying past out on the floor, Leon crying against the table. Percival made his way towards Mordred with 'Eggscalibur', he thought he was very smart there because it was Excalibur, but with eggs and he chuckled to himself, not paying attention to where he putted his feet and the next moment he had tripped over Gwaines drunken body and passed out when his head hit the floor. Mordred and Merlin both rolled their eyes.

"You may have taken…taken out my knights but you won't defeat me!" Arthur shouted and ran towards Mordred, but stumbled across Percival and Gwaine and fell to the floor, also he passing out. Mordred face palmed and Merlin felt good that he wasn't the only one who reacted that way. And through all that Gaius continued to sing with all the other people, oblivious on the "fight":

_They may not rhyme but they're quite possibly;_

_The Camelot way to die_

_The Camelot way to die_

_Camelot way to die-ie-ie _

_The Camelot way to die _

And as They continued to sing and dance on the tables (Much to the anger of the bar girl) Mordred walked forward to Merlin and pulled out a chair and sat next to the man at the bar.

"I seriously feel pity for you Emrys, do you now understand why I joined Morgana?" Mordred said.

"They aren't always this stupid!" Merlin felt that he had to defend his friends, but Mordred raised his eye brow and said;

"That was so easy that I can't even be glad over that I won. And I don't want to kill you anymore, because being stuck here with these idiots is punishment enough" He said and then walked away. Merlin did nothing to stop him, because, really, the man was right. And Merlin decided that tomorrow he would take the day off, so that the royal pratness and all the knights would have to do on their own. Probably Camelot would be destroyed, but at the moment Merlin didn't really care.

He looked at the three bodies on the floor and wondered for a minute if he was going to help them, but then he thought;

"Nah, They'll be fine".

The tavern was emptying quick since everyone was doing a conga with Gaius and Gwen at the lead. If Gwen didn't care about his husband, why should he? He decided to hire a room at a bed and breakfast so that he wouldn't be woken up by a king with a hangover as big as his ego. Nope, it was best to take a day off. And as he walked down the road, he envied Mordred and hated his destiny as the conga line came walking by, Arthur, Gwaine and Percival still on the floor in the tavern and Leon nowhere in sight. And if that wasn't enough he had that stupid song on his mind;

_The Camelot way to die_

_The Camelot way to die_

_Camelot way to die-ie-ie _

_The Camelot way to die…_

He wondered if it was some type of curse…it went on forever in his head.

He was doomed…doomed!


End file.
